


First Love

by junakabisque



Category: Alice Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-26
Updated: 2012-10-26
Packaged: 2018-01-03 01:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junakabisque/pseuds/junakabisque
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every diary has a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Love

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to neu_wings@LJ for beta-reading and nyanchan_desu@LJ for the banner. Adapted from an Indonesian romance film by Nayato Fio Nuala, _'Cinta Pertama'_ , with changes here and there.

Standing in front of a mirror in his bathroom, Saga slowly lifted his face up. He stared at his reflection with the saddest facial expression he had ever shown in front of his fiancé before. A single tear fell from his left eye, but he remained silent.

 

~*~

 

The sounds of people chattering mixed with forks and spoons clanking against each other filled the hall where Shou and Saga were holding their engagement party. Saga’s mother strolled across the hall and stopped beside her son’s best friend, Nao, who was talking animatedly with another guest, a plate full of cakes in his hand.

 

“Nao-kun, where’s Shou?” asked the woman.  
“Oh, he’s there,” answered Nao, gesturing at the small group of men near the glass doors that led to the garden.  
“Thanks.”  
“Anytime,” replied Nao, smiling.

 

The woman then spotted her soon-to-be son-in-law who was chattering with Saga’s father and his business partners, occasionally laughing politely. She looked a bit surprised that Saga wasn’t there with him. She tapped Shou’s shoulder lightly, but enough to draw the brunette’s attention.

 

“Oh, Mum.”  
“Shou, where’s Saga? I thought he was with you.”  
“Erm… Honestly, I don’t know,” answered Shou, sounding guilty.

 

Saga’s father laughed.

 

“Shou, Shou, Shou… It was just an hour ago that you two are officially engaged and now you’ve lost sight of him?”  
“Ahahaha!! Well, I’ll go looking for him then. He may be upstairs in his room,” said Shou again.

 

~*~

 

Now, Saga was sitting on the floor, gazing at the two pigeons that rested on the wooden table on his balcony. A smile spread across his gorgeous face and then he pulled himself up to his feet. He walked towards the balcony, passing the pigeons, whose feathers were as white as the suit he was wearing and stopped at the railing. The wind blew his shoulder-length light brown hair, as he gazed at Mt. Fuji with brooding eyes. He did not know that Shou was on his way looking for him. When suddenly he felt an arm circling itself around his waist and heard a deep voice whispering into his ear, Saga was a bit startled.

 

“Hey… What are you doing here? Your mother’s looking for you,” asked Shou softly.

 

Saga tilted his head to the side before he answered.

 

“I don’t like being in crowded places.”

 

Shou smiled and then moved to stand next to his fiancé.

 

“Yes, I know. There are many things else I know about you beside that one, though,” he held Saga’s chin with his fingers, “You don’t like milk, you don’t like darkness.”

 

Each time he spoke, Shou leaned down closer and closer to Saga until their noses almost touched. With a sheepish smile, Saga pulled back and tilted his head to another side, avoiding Shou’s gaze again.

 

“Do you know, Shou? That when I was in high school,” Saga finally looked straight into Shou’s eyes, “I disliked History?”  
“… Really?” Shou asked back, looking surprised.  
“See?” Saga turned to face Shou, cupping the taller man’s face in his hands, “There are things that you don’t know about me yet.”  
“Saga? Is there anything that’s bothering you right now?” Shou couldn’t help but ask, looking concerned.  
“No, I’m fine,” answered the shorter man too quickly, lowering his head, “Sorry, I got side-tracked. Why don’t we go back downstairs?”

 

Before Shou could answer, Saga had held his wrist and dragged the taller man along with him.

***

A couple of days after his engagement party with Saga, Shou visited his fiancé again in his parents’ house right before he went to his workplace. He parked his car and entered the mansion. He greeted Saga’s parents who were having breakfast in the dining room.

 

“Good morning.”  
“Good morning, Shou. Have you had breakfast yet?” asked Saga’s mother.  
“Yes, I already have. Thanks.”  
“You’re having a day off, Shou?” asked Saga’s father.  
“No, I just wanted to see Saga first. Has he woken up yet?”  
“Why don’t you see him in his bedroom, Shou?” suggested Saga’s mother.  
“All right. Excuse me, then.”

 

Saga’s parents nodded and smiled at him. Shou left the dining room and ascended the staircase, walking towards Saga’s bedroom. He found no one inside the bedroom, but the glass doors to the balcony were wide open. Then he caught sight of his fiancé lying on the sofa. He shook his head in amusement and approached Saga. Saga’s eyes were shut tight, a diary resting on his stomach. Shou smiled at the thought that Saga might have fallen asleep after he wrote in his diary. He stepped closer to the sofa, leaning down to examine Saga’s face. He brought his hand up to Saga’s head and caressed his hair.

 

“Saga,” Shou whispered into Saga’s ear, attempting to wake him up.

 

Saga remained unmoving. Shou called out his name softly again.

 

“Saga, honey… My fiancé, wake up, baby.”

 

However, Shou’s eyes went wide when all of a sudden, Saga’s hand that was resting above his diary went limp—the diary fell onto the floor—and his head tilted to the side, as fresh blood trickled down his nose. Shou moved to kneel beside the sofa, shaking Saga’s body and calling his name repeatedly.

 

“Saga… Saga! Saga!!”

 

~*~

 

Shou followed the paramedics who were bringing Saga who lay on the stretcher to an ICU room. A look of panic was visible on his face. He half-heartedly obeyed when the doctor told him to stay outside. Saga’s parents had gone with him to the hospital. After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor finally came out and walked approaching Saga’s parents. Shou remained in his position, though. From where he was sitting, he could still hear what the doctor was saying, after all. Nevertheless, his fist balled up in frustration after he heard the doctor’s words about Saga’s illness. Saga’s mother had buried her face in her husband’s neck, crying loudly.

 

_The ones we thought were ours might not belong to us entirely. We might own their hearts, their bodies, and their loves. However, we would never own their lives._

 

Moments later, Saga had been moved to another room. Shou was now sitting on his bed, silently staring at his unconscious fiancé whose body was being attached to various cables and tubes. The parents stood in silence shoulder-to-shoulder outside the room, giving privacy to Shou. That was when Nao arrived beside them. The young man stared in sadness through the glass window, seemingly unable to believe that it was his best friend, Saga, who was lying unconscious on the bed. He couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. When the tears finally fell, Saga’s mother reached for him and they cried together.

 

It was about fifteen minutes later when Shou exited the room and Nao had calmed down a bit. They both leaned against the wall, looking at nowhere in particular. Shou spoke up.

 

“He’s been suffering from rupture of aneurysm in his brain. I don’t know how long he’ll survive.”  
“Shou, please… I don’t want to hear any more of it,” said Nao weakly, sniffling every now and then.  
“But it’s the truth, Nao.”  
“I don’t want to lose him, Shou,” Nao sniffled again.  
“… Neither do I.”

 

Shou looked down at his shoes, biting his lower lip so hard to prevent himself from crying.

 

~*~

 

Shou had returned to Saga’s house that day. The house was as quiet as ever. He went to Saga’s bedroom, examining the room, as he had never done before. He proceeded to the balcony, sighing deeply as he seated himself on the sofa. That was when he noticed the diary that lay on the floor. He did not remember it had fallen before, as he was too panicked about Saga. Hesitantly, Shou picked up the diary and traced his fingers along the hard cover. He stared at it for a while, weighing up the options whether to read it or not. Curiosity won and Shou ended up opening the diary. He read Saga’s first entry.

 

> _
> 
> This is my very first diary; a gift from my best friend, Nao. I turned seventeen today. It feels awkward, to be honest, writing in a diary for the first time. How I pass my life today, tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and so on… will fill up every page of this diary.
> 
> I love my times in high school so much. Here, it’s like everybody always smiles and laughs in happiness. I have friends that will always be by my side. Most importantly, there is **him** … the reason of why I never ditch school even for once. His name is… Tora.
> 
> _

 

Shou stopped reading and looked up from the diary. His mind drifted off to the hospital where Saga was. He felt a sudden pang in his heart, as if someone had slapped him across the face.

***

_“Tora! Ganbatte!! Go, Tiger! Go!!”_

_Loud cheers were heard from many directions. Girls who wanted to watch Tora in a basketball tournament mostly crowded the hall. Saga was doing his hardest shoving himself and Nao through the crowd, attempting to find a better spot to watch his secret crush. When he finally got there, he grinned in satisfaction and started cheering as loud as the girls did. Tora scored for his team and suddenly Nao elbowed Saga and teased him._

_“That was cool, huh? It’s Tora, Saga’s crush, after all~”_  
“Nao! He could hear you, you know!” said Saga, eyes widening in horror.  
“So what? He already knew, Saga,” replied Nao nonchalantly. 

_Right at that time, Tora turned to Saga’s direction and their eyes met. Either it was Saga’s eyes playing trick on him or for a brief second, Tora really smiled at him, and then Saga felt a blush creep into his cheeks._

_~*~_

_The next morning, Saga was late coming to school. He ran so fast towards the school building, but stopped midway when he caught sight of Tora sitting under one of the shady trees at the school field. He hesitated but then he approached the tall dark-haired person. As he got nearer, Saga noticed the book in Tora’s hands. He tried making no noise as he plopped down next to Tora._

_“Why aren’t you in your class?”  
“… I’m already late. It’s okay to miss only the first class, anyway,” answered Tora without looking at Saga._

_Saga nodded._

_“What about you? Why aren’t you in your class?” Tora threw the question back to Saga._  
“Mm… The same reason as yours,” and then Saga bent his head to look at the book’s cover Tora was reading, “What are you reading?”  
“Can’t you read the title?” 

_Saga mentally slapped himself for being stupid. Then he corrected his question._

_“I mean—“_  
“A novel,” Tora interjected.  
“Oohh…”  
“It’s not difficult to start a conversation with me, is it?” Tora asked again, eyes still focusing on his novel. 

_Without him realising it, Saga pouted. Tora spoke again._

_“Why didn’t you say ‘hi’ to me directly? Instead, you asked your friends to do that for you,” Saga’s mouth gaped open hearing Tora’s words, “Don’t we meet each other every day?”_

_Saga pouted more._

_“Why did you choose to be troublesome to your friends, instead of doing it by yourself?”_

_Saga was really at a loss for words. He turned his head to the side childishly, refusing to look at Tora._

>  _Even though my first conversation with him wasn’t really pleasant as I had once hoped it to be, at least we **talked**. After all this time, I could only admire him secretly. Therefore, no matter how our first conversation was started, it could still become a beautiful beginning for us. Who knows?_

 _“If I’m not mistaken, don’t you have a test for first class?” asked Tora suddenly._

_Saga gave no response at first. Until his brain finally registered Tora’s sentence to him, he slapped his forehead and hurriedly pulled himself up to his feet. Without further ado, he ran away leaving Tora alone. The tall dark-haired boy merely shook his head in amusement._

_~*~_

_Saga managed to reach his class before the teacher came. He rushed to his seat and sat down, putting his schoolbag on his table and fumbled through his textbooks. A couple of rows behind him, Nao half-shouted his name. Saga remained busy with his textbooks though, until Nao finally threw a pencil to him and it hit the back of Saga’s head and Saga turned around irritated._

_“What, Nao?! I haven’t studied for today’s test yet!”_  
“Are you nuts? This is the 94597234790458 times that you’re late!” retorted Nao, exaggerating.  
“So?” Saga rolled his eyes.  
“We have a test today and you haven’t studied yet?!”  
“I know! Geez, Nao. Calm down! I overslept. It’s a good thing that I could still manage to be here now. In fact, I’ve planned to ditch school today, but—” 

_The teacher suddenly entered the class and all students became quiet. They greeted the teacher good morning politely, but after they all sat back down, Nao called Saga in a whisper again._

_“Saga!”_  
“What?” answered Saga, turning around again.  
“But what?”  
“Wh—? Ooh... I found something more interesting than a test this morning,” said Saga again, grinning cheekily.  
“What is i—?” 

_Before Nao could finish his sentence, the teacher noticed he and Saga were still chattering sneakily and he looked aggravated._

_“Murai, Sakamoto! If you two still want to chat, get out of here!”_

_Both Saga and Nao pouted and muttered their apologies to the teacher. Nevertheless, when the teacher wasn’t looking, Saga turned to Nao again and grinned at him._

***

Shou stayed over at the hospital that night. He was lying on the sofa, Saga’s diary resting on his stomach. He tilted his head, staring at the unconscious Saga on the hospital bed. He then stood up, closing the diary as he walked towards the bed. He looked exhausted when he pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He stood beside the bed, slowly but surely extending his arm to caress Saga’s hair. He shifted his gaze to the window, finding that it was drizzling outside.

***

_It was drizzling, yet Tora was still playing basketball all by himself at the school basketball field. The students who saw him thought that he was crazy. However, Saga thought different. Leaving Nao alone, Saga went somewhere. By the time Nao noticed that Saga was no longer beside him and that he had been talking to nobody but himself, Nao frowned and pouted. Next thing he knew, though, he saw Saga running to the school field, wearing a rain coat whilst holding up an umbrella and approaching Tora._

_“What the—?” Nao raised an eyebrow, staying in his current spot to find out what Saga was actually going to do with Tora._

_Nao’s jaw dropped when he saw Saga dancing around Tora with a happy smile adorning his beautiful face. Tora himself was not much different. He immediately stopped playing basketball, raising one of his eyebrows as high as he could and thought that maybe Saga was mental. Though after a few spins, Saga felt dizzy and he stumbled on his foot, clumsily falling forward towards Tora. The dark-haired guy instinctively caught him. Saga steadied himself, grinning stupidly at Tora and without further ado, held up the umbrella above both of them. Handing the umbrella to Tora, which was accepted by the taller confusedly, Saga stepped back and pulled up his hood instead. He took the basketball from Tora’s hand afterwards, smiling widely at Tora._

_“Why do you like playing basketball?” asked Saga all of a sudden._  
“Why do you like to hang out at a mall with your friends?” asked Tora back.  
“Says who? I only do that occasionally,” answered Saga, slightly pouting, “What I like is... drizzle.” 

_With that, Saga looked up at the sky, closed his eyes and enjoyed the tiny drops of water that poured down to his face. As Saga spread his arms open, as if welcoming the drizzle to his warm embrace, Tora frowned and made a confused face, looking up at the sky as well._

_“Why do you like it?” asked Tora confusedly.  
“Mmmm... Because it’s more romantic than rain,” replied Saga, sighing dreamily and smiling to himself._

_However, Saga’s smile quickly faded after he heard Tora’s response to his answer._

_“You watch too many cheesy films.”_

_This time, Saga pouted bigger and threw the basketball back to Tora rather hardly, leaving the taller alone afterwards. Tora creased his forehead. Before he could begin to think that Saga was even more mental than he previously thought, Saga had walked back and snatched the umbrella away from him._

_~*~_

_Saga dried his hair with a small towel, the pout still lingering on his lips. It was still drizzling outside, and although Saga loved drizzle, it couldn’t replace his pout with a smile this time. Behind him, Nao lay on Saga’s bed and chuckled._

_“I can’t believe you’re still mad about that.”  
“Of course I still am! I’ve done a stupid thing, dancing under the drizzle just to cheer him up, but he just went cold, as always!”_

_Nao snorted, which turned into laughter afterwards, earning a glare from Saga. He quickly clamped his jaw tight and smiled apologetically._

_“Gomen~”_

_Saga turned his head away, refusing to look at Nao. However, the chubby boy sat up and drew closer to Saga who sat on the edge of his bed._

_“If I may ask, how could you fall for him?” asked Nao.  
“I don’t even know how, Nao...” Saga sighed, “Just like I don’t know why I like drizzle.”_

_They went silent for a brief while, and then Saga continued. Nao noticed Saga’s dreamy gaze as the taller guy spoke._

_“Ever since I met him for the first time...”_

_= = =  
Saga was eating a cake all by himself in the school canteen. He looked content as he fed himself the cake spoon after spoon. Then Nao suddenly appeared and sat on the chair across from him, ruining his pleasant moment._

_“Sagacchi~”_  
“Mm?” hummed Saga lazily in response.  
“May I get a bite of your cake, please~?”  
“I knew it,” Saga sighed and pouted, “Here...” 

_He fed Nao a spoon of his cake and much to his dismay, Nao squealed in delight at the taste and then asked for more. He even took the plate over from Saga, making the other pout more. Saga poked his index finger into the cream and smeared it onto Nao’s nose. Nao froze. Grinning in victory, Saga reclaimed his plate of cake, leaving Nao pout to himself. Nevertheless, as he continued eating, Nao did the same trick to Saga’s nose and laughed hard afterwards. Irritated, Saga grabbed the whole cake and threw it to Nao’s face. Nao quickly evaded the sudden attack, causing the cake to fly further away and land on another student’s face who was sitting behind them. It happened to be none other than Tora. Both Saga and Nao widened their eyes, but Tora’s expression was so priceless that they couldn’t help but burst into laughter. Although between his laughter, Saga muttered worriedly to Nao, “Damn it, Nao! What am I supposed to do!?”. Nao was not much of a help, though. The shorter blonde boy kept laughing._

_Later that day, it was drizzling and Saga cursed under his breath for not bringing an umbrella. He was at the school threshold, pursing his lips every time he saw some students walk past him, open their umbrellas and go home. He stomped his foot in a childlike manner, cursing at Nao who wasn’t there because that best friend of his had gone home first. Then when he turned sideways, he was surprised to see his long-time crush had just descended the staircase, walking towards him. Saga turned around again quickly, back facing Tora. However, Tora stood beside him, seemingly not noticing that it was actually Saga next to him. When their eyes finally met, Tora had a look on his face, which said, “Why the hell is he here!?” and Saga couldn’t help but feel guilty about the earlier incident in the canteen. Then somehow, probably out of guilt, Saga dashed out, running through the drizzle and leaving Tora perplexed.  
= = =_

_Saga was pulled back from his short reverie, turning around to find that Nao had fallen asleep. He smiled and patted his best friend’s head._

***

Nao averted his gaze away from the window to Shou. A look of grief was visible on his face. He was visiting Saga today, and much to his surprise, Shou asked him about Saga’s diary.

 

“The diary was a gift from me...” said Nao morosely.

 

Seemingly ignoring Nao’s information about the said diary, Shou flipped through the pages and read an entry chosen randomly.

 

“ _Love... does it really exist? I found the meaning of my existence not when love approached me, but long before that... when I was merely hoping that love would somehow approach me. Because what’s more meaningful than a hope?_ ”

***

_

> The preparation for the final exams barely allowed me to get some free time. And within weeks, this precious moment in high school will have to end. Goodbye, Dream World... and welcome, Real World.

Stretching his arms up above his head, Saga whimpered at the pain on his stiff shoulders. Nao took a glance at him, surprised when suddenly Saga stood up and walked away. They had been studying together in the school backyard during lunch break. Some of their schoolmates were there as well, doing nothing else but studying. Nao could understand if Saga felt bored of studying already. That was why he let the other be when Saga left him, probably to get some fresh air._

***

Shou closed the diary again. He heaved a deep sigh and glanced at his unconscious fiancé. Nao had gone home, but Shou decided to stay over at the hospital again tonight. He was leaning back on the sofa, mind drifting to nowhere in particular.

***

_Saga leaned forward onto the table. He was at a nearby café, studying all by himself. It was night time and the pavement and the road were wet from the earlier rain. Saga thought it was perfect that he was studying accompanied by the remaining drizzle. He smiled to himself and just then, a young waiter with squirrely teeth who happened to be Saga’s favourite waiter came, bringing the guava juice Saga had ordered earlier._

_“Here’s your guava juice, Saga-chan. Without milk, as usual,” said the waiter, placing the tall glass on Saga’s table.  
“Thank you, Hiroto-kun,” replied Saga to the waiter._

_The young waiter named Hiroto then retreated to his post again, leaving Saga alone. Still propping his chin with his hand, Saga stared at the textbook in front of him and sighed. He didn’t notice that a certain person was walking past the café by chance and caught sight of him. Frowning, that person approached Saga who was the only customer at the café threshold, sitting at a table with an enormous umbrella above it._

_“The proper place to study is at home, not here.”_

_Saga jerked upward at the voice. He turned his head around and saw Tora looking down at him. With an immense pout on his lips, Saga averted his gaze away from Tora._

_“What the heck are you doing here?”_

_Without asking for Saga’s permission, Tora took the liberty to sit on a chair next to Saga._

_“You’re here all by yourself?” asked Tora._  
“Yeah... I feel bored studying at home. It seems like the words are only swirling around in my head, never reaching my brain.”  
“The place is not the matter, ne~ but the subject you’re studying is.”  
“Yeah, yeah... Mr. Know-It-All,” said Saga lazily, rolling his eyes. 

_Tora merely shrugged._

_“What are you doing here?” Saga repeated his question._  
“You’re not the only one allowed to come here, ne~” said Tora.  
“Why do you never answer any of my questions!? How annoying...” 

_This time, Saga looked really upset. He turned sideways, ignoring Tora as he tried to focus his mind on his textbook again. For a few moments, they stayed like that. Until Tora made a move, leaning forward and snatched the textbook away from Saga’s hands. Saga was about to ask what the hell Tora thought he was doing, but the dark-haired guy had already interrupted him._

_“Do you know the effective way to memorise this History subject?”_

_Tora waited for Saga to answer. Still feeling a bit annoyed, Saga kept ignoring Tora at first. Nevertheless, he slowly turned to Tora again and bit his lower lip._

_“... What is it?”_

_Secretly, Tora smiled in triumph. Then he drew closer to Saga, ready to tell the shorter boy about his trick._

_“Have you watched ‘Saving Private Ryan’?”_

_Saga shook his head._

_“It’s a film about World War II. So, when Hitler invaded the countries in Europe...”_

_Each word that escaped Tora’s lips attracted Saga more than he could ever imagine. He ended up listening to Tora whole-heartedly and somehow they became a little more intimate with each other._

_~*~_

_Ever since that encounter at the café, Tora and Saga became friends. At school, whenever they saw each other, they would smile. Saga’s days became a lot brighter. He didn’t even feel annoyed anymore about the subject he disliked the most; History. However, it didn’t mean that nobody could notice the change within Saga. Maybe others did not care, but Nao did. He sometimes caught Saga smiling to himself whenever Tora walked past them. It wasn’t the usual smile he had seen before. It was a different one. Nao could sense that there had to be something going on between his best friend and the certain dark-haired boy. He just didn’t know what it was._

_Today after school, Saga hung out with Tora again, without Nao. They merely spent some quality time together in the school backyard, though, not at the mall or something. Their conversation topics always changed each and every day. It seemed like they were trying to get to know each other better. Saga swung his legs in a childlike manner, as he spoke to Tora who sat beside him._

_“So, you like watching films with heavy themes, right? No wonder that on that day, on the basketball court—”_  
“I’m sorry about my rudeness back then,” interjected Tora, “I didn’t mean to say that you have a very bad taste in picking films’ genres.”  
“Mmmm...” Saga pursed his lips, “But I think you should try watching romantic films too.”  
“Why should I?” Tora frowned.  
“That way, you could train your feelings.”  
“What?” Tora raised an eyebrow, seeming confused.  
“I know you’re so clever,” Saga smiled, “You solve everything using your brain. However, you have to remember that you still have feelings too. I can even hear it, you know... that your feelings are screaming aloud, demanding you to use them, just like you use your brain.” 

_Tora chuckled upon hearing Saga’s words._

_“I’ll try it then...”_

_Again, Saga smiled. Then he decided to change the topic when Tora had become silent._

_“Where are you applying to?”_

_For some reason, Tora took time to answer Saga’s question._

_“For certain, not to any universities in Tokyo.”_

_Saga couldn’t hide his surprise upon hearing Tora’s answer. He drew closer to Tora, staring directly into the dark-haired boy’s eyes._

_“Why?”_  
“... I’m bored... I’ve reached my saturation point of living in this crowded-beyond-belief city. I need a new environment,” explained Tora.  
“The place is not the matter, right?” Saga threw the words Tora had once said to him, “Once we enter college, we’ll get a new environment. Right?”  
“I know what you mean. But I meant it generally. Not only a new environment we’ll get when we’re studying, but also when we’re out of it, when we socialise with new people in a new place. That’s what I need... new people and a new place.” 

_By the time Tora finished his sentence, Saga’s facial expression had turned morose. He couldn’t even say a word. Until Tora noticed his silence._

_“What’s wrong?”  
“... I...”_

_Before Saga could finish his sentence, it started drizzling. Tora looked up at the sky._

_“It’s your favourite.”_

_Tora turned to Saga and was surprised that the shorter boy was zoning out._

_“Hey... Why are you spacing out like that?”  
“Uh? Wha—? Ooh, I’m o-okay,” lied Saga, faking a smile._

_For the first time, Saga felt like the dark sky and the drizzle seemed like a metaphor of his heart, which was crying silently right now._

***

Shou ended up staying up until late that night, reading Saga’s diary. Each entry that mentioned Saga and Tora together, which happened to be most of them, pained Shou worse than ever.

***

_Tora and Saga walked in silence side by side towards the park. It was Sunday afternoon when they decided to meet up and hang out together. It was windy that they had no choice but to put their sweaters on. They strolled up the low hill and stopped as they reached a rather shady spot, with big trees and flowers around them. Saga imitated Tora’s action, sitting down on the grass. The wind blew and he braced himself. Since Tora took no notice of it, Saga averted his gaze to the little flower beside him and picked it up.

> I’ve once watched a film, which the message said that if you loved someone, then you must say it as soon as the moment comes. Because if you didn’t, the moment would go just like that and it would never return. Then... you’d regret it.

Only God knew how long Saga had been keeping his feelings for Tora secret. Now, he had encouraged himself to tell the other about his feelings. Because he knew that it was the only chance and that he most likely would never get it again. He slowly turned to Tora, mouth gaping open and closing and gaping again as he found it difficult to talk all of a sudden. When he was just about to voice out a word, Tora had already interrupted him by pointing to something in the sky._

_“Wow, look there! It’s a rainbow!”_

_Saga instinctively looked in the direction Tora’s index finger was pointing, slowly but surely feeling his confidence and hopes crush down, blown away by the chilly wind. He tilted his head to the side, his heart crumbling._

***

“You’re his best friend, Nao. I just want to know how deep his love for Tora was,” demanded Shou.

 

Nao closed his eyes in exhaustion, but Shou yelled louder.

 

“Answer me, Nao! I have the right to know!”  
“You don’t have the right to read his diary!” Nao shouted back.  
“I do! Down to the smallest things about him, I do have the right to know!!”  
“Then what else is there for me to tell you!?”

 

Shou flipped through the pages of Saga’s diary, looking aggravated.

 

“He didn’t write everything here, Nao. Ever since he graduated from high school, he became less active to write in his diary. What happened after he graduated, Nao? You spent almost all the time with him!”

 

Nao did nothing but avoid Shou’s glare. Getting such a response, Shou hissed in fury.

 

“He’s still in contact with Tora, isn’t he?”

 

This time, Nao shifted his gaze back to Shou almost too quickly, stunned upon hearing Shou’s prejudice. However, Shou kept on pushing him about Tora.

 

“Where is this Tora guy now, Nao?”

 

Nao was at a loss for words, he turned around, avoiding Shou again. Shou became frantic as he flipped through the pages again, searching for a certain entry.

 

“Maybe it’s because...” he kept searching, “because... This!”

 

He walked forwards to Nao and forced the chubby man to listen to him.

 

“ _The pain in my head comes more often than ever. It’s not like the usual headache, I know. It’s piercing the whole inside of my head... and it hurts so much._ ”

 

Shou kept following Nao whenever the man moved away to avoid him.

 

“Because of the pain in his head, Nao!? Has he ever told you about that!? Why has he never told me!?”

 

Shou cried in frustration and Nao bit his lower lip. They both looked at the unconscious Saga in the room through the transparent glass window.

 

“Nao,” Shou turned to Nao again, “How could he become like this? Because of the pain in his head or because of Tora!?”

 

This time, Nao sighed in exhaustion, shaking Shou by the arms to help the taller man get his right sense back.

 

“That’s enough, Shou. Please...”

 

Nevertheless, Shou shrugged him off and continued reading Saga’s diary aloud.

 

“ _Suddenly, I become afraid of death. I don’t want to die yet before I find my true love,_ ” Shou snorted, “Until he finds Tora, he meant? Is that it? Where’s Tora, Nao?”

 

Nao pitied Shou as he heard the tone he used in his last question. It was filled with desperation. However, he was still refusing to talk about anything to do with Tora. Shou shook his head in frustration and then demanded Nao to listen to him again.

 

“He wrote it on our engagement day. For God’s sake, on our engagement day, Nao!” emphasised Shou, “ _Marriage preparation... Even though Shou has obtained a place in my heart, there is still this hidden place in my heart, which I’m willing to give to Tora as well. Today, I suddenly miss him._ ”

 

Shou closed the diary rather hard, glaring at Nao as if it was entirely his fault. This time, Nao looked mad as he stepped closer to Shou, pointing his index finger to the taller man accusingly.

 

“You are not supposed to read his diary!”

 

With that, Nao left Shou alone. Shou couldn’t do anything in response, as he registered Nao’s words into his brain.

 

~*~

 

Nao was sitting on a bench under the shady tree in the hospital yard. He looked up when he saw a pair of finely polished shoes appear in front of him and found that Shou was standing before him. As Shou seated himself next to Nao, the other man couldn’t help but notice that Shou was still holding Saga’s diary in his hand.

 

“I’m sorry, Nao. I did that because I don’t want to live the rest of my life in denial...just thinking that I’m the only man in his life.”

 

Nao sighed, “You are the only one, Shou. The story of him and Tora ended a long time ago. And it never went any further than his relationship with you.”

 

“But they were separated even before they got the chance to confess to each other. And until this very moment, I believe Saga is still hoping that the chance will come to him.”  
“Then what are you going to do, Shou? Now, you had better think about Saga’s recovery.”  
“What if... Saga would never wake up again? And now... the only one he’s waiting for is Tora.”

 

Nao lowered his head, feeling the tears welling up in his eyes at the thought of Saga dying.

 

~*~

 

Shou had returned to Saga’s room, whilst Nao had gone home. He was now twisting the wet towel, letting the remaining water pour back down into the basin. He walked back to the bed, bringing the wet towel along with him and then proceeded to bathe Saga. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he gently brushed the wet towel against Saga’s bare skin, but enough to wash away the invisible dirt. Once he was done, he took a deep breath and stared at the night sky through the window.

 

When the nurse came to check on Saga, Shou gave her privacy and exited the room. He stood in the hallway, staring at Saga through the transparent glass window as the nurse was examining him. If he weren’t looking at Saga, he would go pacing back and forth, as if thinking about something else.

***

Shou drove himself out of town. He had made the decision. Last night, he had managed to find Tora’s new address. Now, he was heading to Tora’s place. Just to meet Tora, Shou had told his subordinates that he was taking a day off today. For him, a meeting with Tora was more important than a meeting with his business partners. Because it was the only chance. Because it was the only way he could think of to make Saga regain his consciousness. Tora had to agree to come with him and meet Saga. He _had to_.

 

Hours later, Shou arrived in front of a small cosy house. He was pretty sure that he had found the right address. Pushing open the front gate, Shou strolled towards the door and looked around. After he got up enough courage, Shou pressed the doorbell. He waited until someone opened the door for him. Then a moment later, the door opened, revealing a beautiful woman with long black hair. The woman smiled at Shou, though she seemed a bit curious. The look on Shou’s face was not much different.

 

“Ano... Who are you?” asked the woman.

 

Shou couldn’t help but ask the same question to himself by heart. Who was this woman? Could it be...? Nevertheless, before either the woman or Shou could speak again, someone else had come to the front door. Shou heard the deep voice talking to the woman.

 

“Who is it, Ranka?”

 

The woman turned to the man who had just showed up and looked back at Shou again. The man, who was none other than the older and more mature Tora, stared curiously at Shou. After a brief introduction, Tora excused himself and Shou to talk in private. Ranka, Tora’s wife, nodded in understanding and went back inside. However, she could still hear Tora and Shou’s conversation.

 

“One of Saga’s friends gave me this address,” informed Shou.  
“Nao?”  
“Yes.”  
“I’m... not sure how important my presence can be there.”  
“Me neither.”  
“Then why did you do this entire thing?”  
“Every entry in his diary keeps mentioning your name... Even on our engagement day.”

 

Tora rubbed his temples and sighed.

 

“You’re not supposed to read his diary.”  
“You’re not the first who said that.”  
“What do you actually hope in my presence there?”  
“Happiness... for Saga.”

 

Inside, a single tear fell down Ranka’s cheek.

 

“My conscience told me to come here... and bring you back to Tokyo.”

 

Ranka stepped closer to the window, catching Shou’s attention. Tora followed Shou’s gaze.

 

“She’s Ranka, my wife, if I haven’t informed you.”

 

Then as if understood, Ranka walked away from the window, disappearing from Shou and Tora’s sight.

 

“I...” Tora continued, “I don’t know if I’ll come or not.”

 

Shou didn’t say anything in response.

 

~*~

 

Later that day, Shou had driven back to Tokyo. It was raining when Ranka stood by the window, watching the water pour down onto the earth. Behind her, Tora was packing some clothes into his backpack.

 

“How long will you be gone?” asked Ranka.  
“Not long. I just want to see his condition.”

 

Tora had failed to see Ranka’s lips curve downward, but he could still sense the woman’s unwillingness. Therefore, he stopped packing and turned to face his wife.

 

“If you don’t want me to go, then I won’t go.”  
“I’m afraid...” Ranka turned to face her husband as well.

 

Tora pulled himself up to his feet and stepped forward towards Ranka. He placed both of his hands on the woman’s shoulders.

 

“Afraid of what?”  
“I’m afraid that you might not win to your memories with him.”  
“It won’t happen...”  
“Promise?”

 

When Tora didn’t answer, Ranka sniffled quietly and slowly removed Tora’s hands, leaving her husband alone. Tora felt guilty. Nevertheless, his conscience told him that he had to go... to see Saga. About 15 minutes later when he was ready to leave, he saw his wife crying in the dining room. However, his feet dragged him away from her.

 

~*~

 

Nao sat on the edge of Saga’s bed, out of curiosity, reading Saga’s diary.

 

> _
> 
> I’m tired... and I’ve come to the point where I tilt my head and I realise that I have found nothing... that in my entire life, I’ve only been pretending to be happy.
> 
> _

***

_The students cheered loudly when they saw their names on the notice board. The final exams’ results had been revealed and happiness could be seen on the faces of those students who had passed the final exams with_

_satisfying scores. Even though Saga was one of them, but he didn’t look happy. Nao noticed it and sighed._

***

On his way to Tokyo, Tora drove his car whilst thinking about Saga. He recalled the shorter guy’s beautiful face when he caught Saga sniffing some flowers on the school backyard. He remembered he raised his eyebrows at the sight that time, and Saga quickly straightened his body up when he noticed that Tora was watching him. It was after school and they were going home together. Saga approached Tora, stood beside him and stared at the taller boy in confusion when Tora didn’t move. He chuckled to himself when he remembered his next action of that time had surprised Saga. That time, he stepped back to the flowers, picking one of them and then handed it to Saga without saying anything. He had failed to witness Saga’s smile as he walked ahead afterwards.

 

However, remembering those moments of them caused him pain now.

 

~*~

 

Nao had just come back from washing his face in the bathroom when he saw Tora in the hallway, looking around as if he was searching for something. When their eyes met, they stood in silence, staring at each other. Though after that, they both moved and approached each other. Tora fixed his glasses once he got closer to Nao.

 

“Hi, Nao. It’s been a long time, ne?”  
“... Hi, too... Why did you come here?”  
“Why did you ask me that?”  
“Because you’ve never been part of Saga’s life,” Nao spat the words coldly.  
“Shou said different, so did Saga’s diary,” defended Tora.  
“What?” Nao half-shouted in disbelief, “Why did the diary I gave to Saga as a birthday gift become such a play thing for you guys?!”

 

Nao was about to leave, but Tora called him.

 

“Nao, wait...” Nao stopped, “Maybe it is indeed the diary, which made me come here. But can you, at least, see me as a high school friend of Saga who came here just to see his condition and no more else?”  
“Well, I hope so...” replied Nao coldly, walking away.

 

Tora could only sigh. He was now alone in the hospital hallway. Then he turned sideways, looking at Saga in the room through the transparent glass window. After a while, Tora decided to enter the room. He walked closer to the bed, his eyes never leaving the unconscious Saga.

 

“Saga... It’s me. It’s been so long since the last time we saw each other, ne?”

 

Tora took a deep breath, still staring at Saga’s sleeping form and not noticing that Nao had returned and was now watching him from behind the transparent glass window. Nao’s eyes widened when he saw Tora lean down to Saga and kiss the unconscious man on the cheek. Though after that, Tora quickly straightened his body up.

 

“Please, don’t be mad because I took advantage of you in this state. I’ve wanted to do this since we were in high school... to kiss your cheek. If only I knew you much earlier, things might have not been like this. Back then, even just to touch your hand... I had no guts to do so. Do you still remember what we wrote on the wall in the school backyard?”

 

Nao seemed struck.

 

“I should have written—”

 

Tora stopped talking when he noticed Nao’s presence. He was surprised to see Nao’s painful expression. He quickly released Saga’s hand from his hold and ran to the door to prevent Nao from leaving with misunderstood assumptions. Nao crossed his arms on his chest, looking betrayed.

 

“You said you just wanted to see his condition,” said Nao.  
“Well, it’s true. I just wanted to—”  
“But what I saw was more than just a visit to see his condition!”  
“... Seeing him like that makes me...” Tora sighed deeply, “I shouldn’t have come, ne?”

 

Neither of them spoke afterwards.

 

~*~

 

Since he was in Tokyo, Tora decided to visit his school as well. He strolled along the pavement, which led to the school backyard. He found a bench he used to sit on with Saga back then, approached it and plopped himself down on it.

***

_Saga strolled along the pavement, which led to the school backyard. The loud cheers of the students around him didn’t seem to penetrate his mind, which was drifting off to nowhere. He did notice that those students were doing some kind of a tradition when graduation came. The boys would approach the girls that they liked, and then they would give one of their shirt buttons to them. Saga wanted to do the same... to Tora. Nevertheless, the said dark-haired boy was nowhere in sight. It was when Nao ran happily towards him to gladly give his shirt button to Saga, he did spot Tora. Before Nao could even reach his friend, Saga had already run away to Tora._

_Saga noticed that Tora didn’t do the same tradition as the other students did. He merely stood between the crowds, smiling widely at all of his friends. When Saga finally reached him, Tora stared at him in silence and then they instinctively pulled themselves out of the crowd. They arrived at a less crowded place and Saga smiled awkwardly at Tora._

_“You’re not joining them?” asked Saga, starting a conversation.  
“Nah...” Tora waved his hand, “But I’ll gladly accept your shirt button, though. You should feel special, because you’re an exception.”_

_Saga smiled, but Tora mistook it as disapproval._

_“Don’t take it seriously. I’m just kidding,” said Tora again, grinning.  
“Unh...” Saga shook his head, “I do feel special.”_

_With that, Saga pulled his first shirt button, revealing a bit of his smooth chest and then gave the button to Tora. Tora accepted it, closing his palm around the small button._

_“Keep it, will you?” asked Saga._

_Nodding, Tora did the same to his own button and handed it to Saga._

_“And keep mine...”  
“Certainly,” replied Saga with glassy eyes._

_They became silent, staring into each other’s eyes. Saga looked like he was going to cry. Tora had the urge to hug him, but he didn’t have the bravery to do so. Saga didn’t know what to do. He thought that maybe he should_

_just leave. However, before he could move his feet, Tora had already grabbed his wrist and took him somewhere. Saga noticed the path they were running in, and then next thing he knew, they had arrived at the further place of the school backyard, which was partially hidden._

_“Why did you take me here?” asked Saga, seeming curious._

_Instead of answering, Tora squatted down in front of a wall and extended his palm to Saga._

_“Lend me your marker.”_

_Bewildered, Saga fumbled through his school bag, fishing out a marker from inside it and then he handed it to Tora. Tora accepted the marker eagerly and started scribbling something on the wall. Saga watched him in silence, but as he read the sentence Tora was scribbling, Saga couldn’t help but feel somewhat sorrowful. He tilted his head to the side, seemingly unable to read the sentence any further. He was a bit surprised when Tora suddenly offered the marker back to him._

_“You also love writing, right?”_

_Saga stared at Tora’s face, silently confirming what Tora had just stated. Tora gestured to him to write something on the wall as well and then Saga nodded and took the marker. He reread Tora’s sentence first before he began scribbling his own words. Once Saga was finished, Tora smiled._

_“At least, we left something quite precious here.”_

_Saga didn’t respond. He lowered his head, thinking about Tora’s words. Tora’s smile turned into a bitter one, but he decided to let it be. He stood up, motioning for them to leave. They walked back to their favourite bench under the shady tree at the school backyard and sat there. Saga glanced at Tora, who seemed to be enjoying the view laid in front of him._

_“You’re really...” Saga started, “... not interested in continuing your study here, are you?”  
“Aren’t you the one who said it yourself? That when we enter college, wherever we are, we’ll get a new environment.”_

_Saga lowered his head and Tora snorted._

_“A new environment... A change... Things do change, Saga.”_

_Saga flinched at the use of his nickname coming from Tora’s lips._

_“It doesn’t affect anything or anyone,” Tora continued, “Whether we are close or far from each other.”_

_Saga tucked his hair behind his ear uncomfortably, swallowing hard._

_“The story that happened in this school... let it happen only here.”_

_This time, Saga turned his head to Tora quickly, the movement causing a single tear that had been pooling in the corner of his eye to fall at last. Nevertheless, Tora was looking somewhere else. Saga bit his bottom lip and blinked his tears away._

***

Tora was at the second floor of his high school. He leaned onto the railing, elbows resting on it as he viewed the trees being blown by the wind. He shifted his gaze to the corridor, recalling how crowded it used to be on school days.

***

_Saga ran along the corridor, searching for Tora. It was the last day of schooling and he wished to see Tora before the dark-haired young man moved out of town. He turned right, failing to see that behind him, Tora had just appeared, also looking for him. 15 minutes passed and Saga still hadn’t found Tora yet. Meanwhile in front of the school gate, a car had been waiting for Tora to take him away. Tora walked across the school field, heading towards the waiting car. He kept looking back every so often, lest Saga might show up._

_Saga stopped beside the bench, panting heavily. He looked panicked, because he couldn’t find Tora. Then he continued searching, running to the school front gate, although his ribs hurt. At the front gate, Tora sighed deeply. Half-heartedly, he opened the car door and got in. The car had started driving away by the time Saga reached the front gate. Saga wanted to shout out Tora’s name, but his voice didn’t want to come out. Instead, his tears started falling freely, wetting his smooth cheeks. He dropped onto his knees, capping his mouth with his palm to muffle his sobs._

_~*~_

_Saga had been accepted in Tokyo University, so had Nao. They were going to be together again. Nevertheless, Saga was now standing in front of his window, clutching the letter from the said university whilst crying quietly. His other hand held Tora’s shirt button so tight. Nao sighed and approached him._

_“Why would you feel sad, Saga? You should feel happy that you’ve been accepted in Todai.”_  
“It doesn’t mean anything without Tora here, Nao...” answered Saga, sniffling.  
“So what? He never confessed to you, after all.”  
“But I know he loves me, Nao.”  
“Where’s the proof?” 

_Saga felt irritated._

_“You don’t understand, Nao!”  
“What? What is it that I don’t understand?”_

_Saga refused to explain, but Nao snatched Tora’s shirt button away from Saga’s grasp all of a sudden. Saga turned around and looked aggravated._

_“Give it back to me!”  
“I do not want to see you sad just because of a guy! Look!” Nao grabbed Saga’s shoulder and turned him around to see outside, “It’s drizzling. It’s your favourite.”_

_Saga’s lips curved downward again, but Nao quickly hugged him._

_“You may cry now, but someday... you’ll wake up and forget about him.”_

_Saga shook his head._

_“I... don’t know, Nao.”_

***

Tora strolled along the empty school corridor. For some reason, it was as if he had just seen Saga in front of him. Tora blinked, taking his glasses off and put them on again, but the image of Saga was still there right before his eyes. The younger wore the school uniform that had once been compulsory. Tora immediately realised that he was just hallucinating, but he couldn’t help but smile. The younger Saga turned around to face him, flashing his beautiful smile at Tora. Then he turned on his heel, running away from Tora and then vanished.

 

~*~

 

Saga’s mother had just changed the flowers in Saga’s room with fresh ones. She turned to Shou afterwards, who was sitting on a chair beside Saga’s bed, doing nothing but watching Saga’s sleeping form. The woman put her hand on Shou’s shoulder gently.

 

“Shou... Let me accompany him tonight. You go home and rest.”  
“But, I—”  
“Take care of your health too, Shou. Listen to what I said, will you?”  
“... All right, Mum.”

 

Shou stood up, stepping closer to Saga’s bed and held his hand.

 

“Honey... I’m sorry I can’t be here for you tonight. But your mother will be here. Well, I guess I’m leaving now.”  
“Wait, Shou.”  
“Yes, Mum?”  
“I just remembered... today before Nao went home, he said that there was a friend of Saga who came here to visit him. His name is, erm...”  
“Tora?”  
“Ah, yes. That’s his name, I believe.”  
“I see. Thanks for telling me, Mum.”  
“You’re welcome. Take care.”  
“I will.”

 

Then Shou turned on his heel, leaving the hospital.

 

~*~

 

Tora arrived at the café where Saga had once studied there years ago. He spotted the same table and suddenly envisioned Saga sitting there, leaning forward onto the table whilst reading his textbook lazily. He did nothing but approach the table, recalling the past event where he saw Saga looking up at him with a surprised expression on his face after Tora talked to him. Tora then sat down on the chair, replaying every word that came from Saga’s lips that night.

 

“May I sit here?”

 

Tora looked up and saw Shou standing before him.

 

“Sure.”  
“Thanks,” replied Shou, sitting down on a chair across from Tora’s.  
“... He used to hang out at this café with his friends.”  
“He still did that...until now.”  
“He always ordered a guava juice—”  
“—Without milk.”  
“Yes...”  
“Tora... Saga is still alive. We shouldn’t be talking about him in a way that suggests he has passed away.”  
“But with you telling me to come here, it’s like we’re acting as if he will never wake up again. And you must want to give the best for him before he dies, right?”  
“I love Saga. And I did this just for him.”  
“I’m here now. But do you see any change in his condition?”  
“Well, I haven’t seen any, but who kno—?”  
“For how long do you want me to stay here?”  
“Don’t... ask me. Ask yourself. Can your presence here be of help for him?”  
“No...” Tora shook his head, “It can’t, Shou. Only God can help him.”

 

Shou lowered his head.

 

“Maybe...”  
“But if he did wake up and see me beside him, wouldn’t you be afraid?”  
“If he did wake up... then the first thing I’d do is to thank God.”  
“That doesn’t answer my question.”  
“Yes, it does.”

 

Tora took a deep breath, rubbing his temples in exhaustion.

 

~*~

 

After making his decision, Tora ended up going to the hospital again on the following night to accompany Saga. Shou had given him permission, but the brunette wasn’t with him now. Tora sat on a chair beside Saga’s bed, watching Saga in silence. It was raining outside. Tora rose from his chair, approached the window and stared at the rain.

 

~*~

 

Ranka stood by the window, crying silently whilst watching the rain. She was thinking of her husband, Tora, who hadn’t yet called her ever since he left.

 

~*~

 

Nao sat at the usual table at the café, which he and Saga used to occupy; a tall glass of guava juice without milk was placed before him. The juice wasn’t for him. He merely ordered it just so... he could pretend that Saga was there with him. He would occasionally sob every time he remembered Saga.

 

~*~

 

Days passed and nothing changed. Saga hadn’t yet regained his consciousness. Tora leaned onto the windowsill and looked so exhausted. Then a loud groan of thunder was heard, followed by the drizzle. Tora immediately ran back to Saga’s bed, whispering right into his ear.

 

“Saga, it’s your favourite. The drizzle... Do you remember... when we imagined a drizzle at school?”

***

_Saga pouted. Tora raised an eyebrow._

_“What’s up?”_  
“I want it to be drizzling now, but look... today’s so bright!”  
“But it’s still windy... it might start drizzling later.”  
“I want it now!” 

_Saga stomped his foot. Tora shook his head in amusement. Then he took Saga’s wrist, pulling him up from the bench._

_“What?” asked Saga, confused._  
“Spread your arms wide open, close your eyes and imagine the blowing wind as the drizzle.”  
“Unh?”  
“Just do it.” 

_Hesitantly, Saga did as Tora told him. Beside him, Tora did the same. Then when the wind blew harder, Saga felt like it was drizzling for real. A smile spread across his face. Too overwhelmed by the peaceful feeling, Saga began spinning around happily. Tora cracked an eye open. He smiled when he saw Saga’s happy face._

***

“Yes, he wrote what happened that day in his diary.”

 

Tora straightened up, surprised that Shou was already standing in the doorway. Shou approached him, without Tora expecting it before, giving the said diary to him. Tora shook his head.

 

“I don’t have the right to read his diary.”  
“Of course...” replied Shou, nodding in understanding.  
“For years... every time it drizzled, I always remembered him.”

 

Shou lowered his head, smiling bitterly.

 

~*~

 

The following day, Shou was talking to a nurse when a woman he knew walked past him. He recognised her as Tora’s wife, Ranka. He nodded politely at the nurse and approached the woman.

 

“Excuse me, Ma’am.”

 

Ranka turned around.

 

“Good afternoon, Shou-san.”  
“Why are you... here?”  
“To see my husband.”  
“Ooh... Of course. Well, please come with me.”

 

They proceeded to Saga’s room, both looking shocked when they saw the scene in front of them through the glass window. Tora had fallen asleep and his head was resting on Saga’s shoulder, whilst his hand held Saga’s tightly. Ranka gasped, her tears falling. Shou swallowed hard, wanting to comfort the woman beside him, but he himself was feeling crushed.

 

“I... I’ll wake hi—”  
“Don’t,” prevented Ranka, “... When you asked Tora to come here, had you ever thought about my feelings?”  
“I apologise. That time I was—”  
“That time and now, you and Tora only thought about Saga’s feelings... about what’s the best for him. You two forgot about my feelings.”  
“If you didn’t give him permission, he wouldn’t be here.”  
“Because he promised... that he wouldn’t lose to his memories with Saga. But now you can see it yourself... it seems like he isn’t going to leave this place. Can you understand my feelings now?”  
“Your feelings and mine, they aren’t so different... when I found out that I’m not the only man in Saga’s heart... and I’m not his true love.”  
“You mean... there is true love between them? Not between me and Tora, and not between you and Saga either? Is that it?”  
“I’m hurt as well as you are.”  
“Then what’s this all for?” Ranka sobbed, “... Thank you, Shou-san... for ruining mine and Tora’s household.”

 

With that, Ranka turned on her heel and left. Shou balled his hand into a fist, mentally slapping himself.

 

~*~

 

Shou and Nao were in the hospital’s garden, both sitting on the grass.

 

“Things haven’t been better at all... I should have listened to you since the beginning, Nao.”  
“You’re not supposed to regret it.”  
“I feel like everyone’s blaming me.”  
“Then ask Tora to go back home and return to his wife.”  
“Is that a good idea?”  
“If Saga woke up, I’d tell him how hard your efforts were in order to make him happy.”  
“And if Saga—”  
“And if God had a different plan... Saga would still know.”

 

Nao couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. He buried his face in-between his raised-up knees and cried silently.

 

~*~

 

Somehow, Shou visited Saga’s parents’ house the next day. He was now on Saga’s balcony, rereading Saga’s diary.

 

> _
> 
> Today’s my engagement day. Shou is the best man I could ever have. I do feel lucky. But is this feeling what I need right now? Then why do I still miss him who used to brighten my days back then? I feel like something is missing... without knowing what I’ve found. I feel like I’ve found something, when I don’t even know what I’ve been searching for is. And I feel like I am still searching, without knowing what I’ve already lost. Humans do have dreams. Some make their dreams come true, some give up, and some keep their dreams buried down, never letting them come up to the surface... in the rest of their lives. And I... will be in the last category.
> 
> _

***

_Saga stepped back from the mirror, sitting on the edge of his bathtub. He took his diary and his ballpoint pen, meaning to write an entry. Not long after, he finished writing and that was when he heard Shou’s voice calling him. He quickly put his diary back on its place, exiting the bathroom and instead of coming out to see his fiancé, two pigeons on the balcony caught his sight. He stopped midway, sitting down on the floor whilst watching those beautiful birds. A smile formed on his lips, and then he had already forgotten about Shou who called him earlier. He pulled himself up to his feet, walking towards the balcony and passing the pigeons, whose feathers were as white as the suit he was wearing and stopped at the railing. The wind blew his shoulder-length light brown hair, as he gazed at Mt. Fuji with brooding eyes. He didn’t know that Shou was on his way looking for him. When suddenly he felt an arm circling itself around his waist and heard a deep voice whispering into his ear, Saga was a bit startled._

_“Hey… What are you doing here? Your mother’s looking for you,” asked Shou softly._

_Saga tilted his head to the side before he answered._

_“I don’t like being in crowded places.”_

_Shou smiled and then moved to stand next to his fiancé._

_“Yes, I know. There are many things else I know about you beside that one, though,” he held Saga’s chin with his fingers, “You don’t like milk, you don’t like darkness.”_

_Each time he spoke, Shou leaned down closer and closer to Saga until their noses almost touched. With a sheepish smile, Saga pulled back and tilted his head to the other side, avoiding Shou’s gaze again._

_“Do you know, Shou? That when I was in high school,” Saga finally looked straight into Shou’s eyes, “I disliked History?”_  
“… Really?” Shou asked, looking surprised.  
“See?” Saga turned to face Shou, cupping the taller man’s face in his hands, “There are things that you don’t know about me yet.”  
“Saga? Is there anything that’s bothering you right now?” Shou couldn’t help but ask, looking concerned.  
“No, I’m fine,” answered the shorter man too quickly, lowering his head, “Sorry, I got side-tracked. Why don’t we go back downstairs?” 

_Before Shou could answer, Saga had held his wrist and dragged the taller man along with him. Once they reached the main hall where the engagement party was being held, Saga put a fake smile on as best as he could. A business partner of Shou called the brunette all of sudden and Shou had to excuse himself. Saga nodded in understanding, and that was when he heard Nao call him. Turning around, Saga smiled at his best friend. He approached Nao and shamelessly stole a piece of Nao’s cake._

_“Sagacchi~ your habit hasn’t gone,” Nao pouted._

_Saga merely grinned in response. At the same time, he and Shou looked in each other’s direction. Shou smiled widely at Saga, but Saga himself flashed him a fake smile. Nao noticed it, though, and he dragged Saga away from the crowd._

_“Nee, Sagacchi... I’m happy that you’re finally engaged to Shou.”_  
“Engaged... Yes.”  
“What do... you mean?”  
“Anything could happen, Nao.”  
“Why do you say that? Don’t tell me you suddenly doubt it.”  
“I doubt... myself.” 

***

Both Tora and Shou stood on the hallway, looking at Saga through the glass window. There was no progress whatsoever in Saga’s condition. Shou stepped back and started pacing back and forth. Tora averted his eyes from Saga to Shou and couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. Then he suggested that they sit on the bench. Shou agreed without complaint.

 

“Maybe,” Shou started, “You should try talking to him. He can still listen to you, I’m sure of it.”

 

Tora took his glasses off.

 

“Maybe that way... he’ll let go. And then you can go home.”

 

Putting his glasses back on, Tora rose from the bench. He saw Shou lowering his head, no doubt trying to hide his tears. Then Tora patted him on the shoulder, before he entered Saga’s room. Slowly, he walked towards Saga’s bed. He sat on a chair beside it and began talking to the unconscious Saga.

 

“You’re lucky that you have a man like Shou. He’s willing to do anything for you.”

 

Tora was silent for a while, taking Saga’s hand in both of his. He brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of Saga’s hand.

 

“Therefore...” he continued, “Please, keep our story at the very back of your mind... just like our scribbling on the wall in the school backyard. Hidden from everyone’s eyes. Once you wake up, I hope it’s only Shou whom you’ll see. Because he’s the only one who deserves to be here... beside you. I thank you for your unconditional love for me all this time. I... love you too, Saga...”

 

Tora kissed Saga’s hand again, unaware that Shou was watching him. He saw Tora bringing his hand to Saga’s head and caress Saga’s hair. Tora rose from his chair, bending down to whisper into Saga’s ear.

 

“I’m leaving, Saga...”

***

_At the front gate, Tora sighed deeply. Half-heartedly, he opened the car door and got in. The car started driving away and in his heart, Tora said his silent goodbye to Saga._

_“I’m leaving, Saga...”_

_Tora had the urge to open the car window and look back. Once he did, he witnessed the saddest scene he had ever seen before. He saw Saga dropping onto his knees and crying miserably. In that instant, Tora’s heart shattered into pieces._

***

Shou didn’t have the courage to see any further, as Tora placed a soft kiss on Saga’s lips. He turned around, leaning back against the wall. Inside, Tora slowly straightened up. He turned on his heel and was just about to leave when all of a sudden, he felt his hold on Saga’s hand tighten, as if the unconscious man was preventing him from leaving. Tora looked back at Saga, but then the hold loosened and Saga’s hand went completely limp again. Tora squeezed Saga’s hand just for a brief moment before he left, failing to see a single tear falling from the corner of Saga’s left eye.

 

~*~

 

After Tora left, Shou was still standing on the hallway. The dark-haired man had given him supporting words and Shou thanked him for that. Shou lowered his head and without him expecting it, Saga’s diary that he had been holding suddenly slithered from his grasp and fell onto the floor, making a soft thud. Not long after that, the doctors and the nurses half-ran towards Saga’s room. Shou knew what it meant, yet his feet didn’t seem capable of movement... unlike the tears that rolled so freely down his cheeks.

 

~*~

 

In Amano’s house...

 

“He had me yesterday,” Tora spoke to his wife, “But you have me today, tomorrow and so on.”

 

Ranka turned to face her husband, finding that the dark-haired man was fingering Saga’s shirt button. Although Tora’s words were supposed to comfort her, she knew that deep down, Tora still loved Saga. The thought made her shed a single tear.

 

~*~

 

Everyone in Sakamoto residence was mourning. Saga’s father, mother, Shou and Nao... They were all mourning Saga’s death.

 

~*~

 

On the wall in the school backyard, Tora and Saga’s scribble was still hidden by the weeds. A loud groan of thunder was heard, and then water started pouring down from the sky onto the earth, wetting the scribble and making it even less visible.

 

__

No meeting lasts forever.  
By Amano Shinji a.k.a Tora, ’00.

 

Just like a meeting, no parting lasts forever.  
By Sakamoto Takashi a.k.a Saga, ’00.

****

The End

**Author's Note:**

> This is Amano Ranka, drawn by yousei_ranka@LJ herself:
> 
>  
> 
> Find this story also [on LiveJournal](http://junakabisque.livejournal.com/777.html).


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